Select-a-SIze

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And that using five paper towels to wipe out a Ziploc bag probably isn’t that smart.

Recycling is hard.

Exactly.

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Finding that perfect ratio is hard.

So even though he loves you, he made EXACTLY the amount.

You’re on your own.

Try again.

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Didn’t you know?

You’re supposed to read her mind.

In a galaxy far, far away.

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May the Force be with you.

Don’t go the dark side.

The horror!

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And mason jars that people actually just use as mason jars.

Pin, pin, pin.

Blah, blah, blah.

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Or rather, the speaking punishment.

Depending on the situation.

Maturity is overrated.

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It is kind of hard to talk with all that candy in your mouth.

That’s certainly a thought to chew on…

Honey-do lists.

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*Sees wife putting away folded laundry*

So, do you need help folding laundry?

Tinkle, tinkle.

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And sometimes you breathe too loud.

It really depends on the day, but we still love you — when you’re quiet.

It’s getting hot in here.

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The final result?

About 72 degrees when he’s home.

When he’s gone?

All bets are off — and the heat is on.

Wise words.

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And if she’s in line at the store with a cart of wine and chocolate?

Always let her go first.

Going Italian.

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No!

Not the lasagna!

Timing is everything.

Huh?

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I don’t know.

Did you hear something?

Putting words in your mouth.

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It’s really two-way communication.

She says something and you communicate by a series of nods and smiles.

Double trouble.

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Maybe she wanted the top bunk instead?

Either way, that’s probably a pretty effective birth control method.

Sweetheart spam.

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“But I…”

“I said UNSUBSCRIBE!”

What a chore!

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No matter where you go, no matter what you do…

She will find you and put you to work.

Brace yourself.

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It’s horrible, actually.

Can’t go to the store, can’t do laundry.

Simply tragic.

Cut and dry.

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Everyone knows you don’t use the decorative towels.

That’s why they’re called decorative towels.

You better shop around.

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Well…?

Do we?

The answer is always “yes.” You always need something from the store.

Man’s best friend.

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After all, every dog needs a good wardrobe.

How is that stupid stuff?

Sorry. I tried.

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And what is this “pan” that you speak of?

I think we should just order in…

The things you learn…

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It always goes on the top shelf to the right.

Everyone knows that, dude.

Carved in stone.

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Thou shall not put the milk away wrong

Thou shall not load the dishwasher any way other than the way you are asked.

Clip and save.

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But who doesn’t want to save 35 cents on dish soap?

Bill.

Bill doesn’t want to save 35 cents on dish soap.

Two-for-one.

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See?

Now here’s a man who knows how to use coupons.

Surprise!

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Well…

Were you?

Shop and save.

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Three hours later:

I think we should order out.

Animal magnetism.

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That one just sealed the deal.

She couldn’t it bear it anymore.

Early returns.

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Yeah, maybe don’t go through her closet without her permission.

At least your heart was in the right place, even if the donation wasn’t.

Drama!

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It’s actually quite a performance.

Everyone loves a hero!